Why I'm Open about Bipolar II
There is a neighbor who lives a quarter mile from me who I met a year ago. She has a shy dog who likes to occasionally do sprints with Maybellene in the grassy park nearby. As any dog owner can relate to, I learned her dog’s name well before I could recall hers. However, I have seen her enough times on evening walks to confidently address her by name. For the purposes of this blog I’ll call her Ellie. Ellie is about my age, I know she has a partner and I’m pretty sure his name is Chris, but I’m fairly good with names and I think if I ever said, “Hi Chris” he would look at me sideways. While Ellie lives nearby, she is not in the same HOA and perhaps our proximity is not quite close enough to develop a friendship. But I have been thinking about my relationship to Ellie a lot recently.
One night this spring Kennett and I were walking around the park and bumped into Ellie. I asked her something random about what she does for work. It was a pretty innocuous and superficial question, but she responded truthfully. She had been struggling with a lyme disease diagnosis and found that she couldn’t maintain a full-time job because of her health. In response I told her that I had bipolar II and, while I could not relate to her health concerns directly, I understood what it meant to prioritize health over a career in a society that heavily values work. The sky was getting dark and Maybellene isn’t a fan of sitting still for conversations mid-walk, so we continued on our separate ways after only a few minutes of talking.
Ellie walked in front of our condo the other afternoon and I went out to ask how she was doing. She said she has been able to go on longer walks. For a while now she has thought that longer walks would be a sign of success, but that now she is dealing with a bout of depression. This time our conversation became interrupted by Kennett’s arrival home with groceries. As I walked over the to Prius to help grab a bag, I offered to go for a socially distant walk with her. She said, “I’d love to know more about how you deal with the stigma of your diagnosis.” We still have yet to walk. I don’t have her phone number so it will likely be an impromptu meeting like the previous two times, but until then I’m going to ponder how quickly our conversations went from our dogs’ running speed to mental health.
Am I okay with my bipolar diagnosis? I am no poster-child for it, but I definitely own it. It started after my crash when my injuries were severe and visible. During this time many people told me their own traumatic stories (with a capital “T”) that had happened years ago, their scars long faded. Still, they were able to share their experiences and we related and it helped me feel less alone. I was scared during this time about mood swings, so I started to experiment and tell more friends about bipolar II to see if I got the same level of support for my emotions as I had for my physical injuries. The result was that I often had deeper conversations once I opened up more freely. Here’s the thing: People want to help.
Before I was diagnosed with bipolar, I remember telling co-workers I felt sick and was going to leave work early for the day. I wasn’t sick with the flu, but I was struggling to function because of a depressive mood swing. They would offer advice like, “Make sure to drink tea.” I would cringe. I hate drinking tea and I was not dealing with a sore throat, although I’m sure I implied as much to avoid questioning. Again though, people want to help each other. I believe, now that I have a bipolar diagnosis and understand it better, my job is to be honest about it. In return, people will stop telling me to drink tea and will offer more useful support. If simply for the fact that I don’t have to live out a lie, this aids in my ability to regulate bipolar. This makes me a more functional member of society. I’m not sure exactly what I’ll talk about with Ellie when I see her next, but I’m ready to listen. We may not become friends because of our physical proximity but by our willingness to speak honestly to each other.
P.S. I know I said I was putting my book aside, but circumstances change. Look out for more news about my book, Degloved, which is set to come out this fall.