New Place, New Focuses
I’m going to make a few New Year’s resolutions a bit early this year. As I frequently do with goals I take on, I am going to tell you all about them so that I feel accountable and so that you can join in with any goals that you may have for the upcoming months. Part of the reason for choosing now to be intentional is because we recently moved to Tucson for the winter. In Boulder, we live in a cozy loft condo that does not have separate rooms. Doors, it turns out, allow people to get up at different times in the morning and pursue different activities without interrupting their partner. I think the world understands this concept (honestly so did I), but it really took on a different look when the pandemic hit and Kennett and I were trading who would do their Zoom call out of the closet.
First Goal: To write content once a month that I hit publish on.
I was asked recently what surprised me most about the last six years since my crash. I paused and said it was writing a book. If I had been consistent as a writer, perhaps I would have been confident that my skills would eventually lead to a finished product, but that is not how I work. I would edit my manuscript in states of hypomania or over the winter months when I had an off-season from triathlon. Inevitably, when training kicked back up in February, my writing and editing would become sporadically placed in between big training days.
I mention this because I find myself now in a strange place. The book was such a massive undertaking that I never really worked on myself as a writer beyond that specific goal. In fact, writing scares me. I get caught up in making sure I have something important enough to share with the world, doubt my writing skills to get my thoughts across succinctly, and promptly give up.
I am also hoping to find more balance between using my body for physical activity, and my brain for the creative work required for writing. You see, those summer months during which I wrote less was not because I lacked the time to work on my craft. Athletes pour their energy into interval training, long weekend workouts, and fueling appropriately for the next session. I had time, but I did not have the energy to think about my book during high volume training.
Second Goal: Seek out more adventure
I know this one is vague. I think between my ups and downs of bipolar and PTSD I have stopped seeking out as many adventurous things. This became more apparent this summer when Kennett grew sad that I was selling my dirt jump bike and told me he worried I was giving up on adventure.
After my crash, I started having more moments where if I asked myself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” the answer would be “I could die” or “Kennett could die”, or “Maybellene could die.” This used to primarily occur when I was riding my bike or traveling in a car. My mind would picture those worst case scenarios and I would do a quick switch of focus and reprimand myself for going down the rabbit hole.
However, I frequently ask the worst case scenario question because it helps me plan for what I can handle in my schedule, given my mood swings. Do I want to substitute teach five days in a row? What’s the worst that could happen? Well, by Thursday I could be crying on the floor at night out of exhaustion and debate having to cancel the following day, which will ruin my reputation as a substitute. Except, this year with the pandemic, I can ask myself that worst case scenario question about almost any activity and come back with the answer being death. Do I go for a walk with a friend? Do I promote my book with an in-person interview? Potentially spreading COVID is a huge fear of mine because I’ve been the statistic. I know what it feels like to be going about your daily life with plans for the future only to end up in the hospital, completely derailed for months. Or permanently.
All that being said, I am not going to let the pandemic turn me into someone who is afraid to experience life and have fun. The adventure I hope to find in the next year until the pandemic is over will definitely be COVID-19 safe. Luckily, Tucson is full of roads I’ve never ridden and trails I have yet to explore.
My list of goals is quite extensive, but there are only a few that need to be mentioned out loud. Some I know I’ll accomplish or track on my own. Others I am simply not ready to undertake. It is important with outcome goals, such as learn to play the piano, that you enjoy and have time for the process, which would be sitting down daily to practice. If not, it is a silly goal to attempt. Some of my long-term goals are waiting until I have space and motivation to dedicate fully to them. What has been on your mind to accomplish this winter? Feel free to share it in the comments.